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I am so. so. so. fucking tired.

I haven't slept good for two days now, I think I had an hour snooze today and don't remember sleeping for well over 30 hours before that...and even then I think I only slept five hours or so. My God I do not wish this on anyone.

I'm so sorry if this journal doesn't make sense, I just need to 'do' something or otherwise I know I'm going to lose it. I'm in such an angry mood today. No matter how much I try I don't see any light right now. I'm not going to try and 'do' anything stupid, its just really fucking hard right now.

I miss my man, but I'm fucking angry at him and I don't know why. I can't seem to tell him either, though I think right now he just thinks I'm angry at what's been going on and not at him. I don't know. I'm so out of it.

Wednesday marked one month, surprisingly I didn't cry, I'm just so angry. I hate everything. Why the fuck did this have to happen? I would've known by now if I was right about having a boy or not. We would've been able to see my baby again using that newer ultrasound thing where the baby just pops out and looks fucking amazing. Would've, could've, should've.

I haven't drawn in what seems like forever, although I'm pretty sure its just been a little over a month. I'm so uninspired. I'm so depressed. It would be logical to presume things would get easier as time slowly goes by, but it just gets harder and harder and in more unpredictable ways each day. I'm in so much pain. Not always physical, but just emotionally, I don't know how to let all this go. Ryan tries so hard to help me but I'm just finding myself getting angrier at him for it. I think its because I blame myself for what happened and in a warped way just don't see myself as worthy for him anymore. I just feel like a dirty, used, worn out shell of what I used to be which sadly wasn't much to begin with.

I'm sorry, I know this is really depressing.

We're seeking counselling atm but the place we found has us on a waiting list and other places are just too fucking expensive and neither of us have the money for it right now.

I'm scared because I'm slowly closing up. I promised myself at the terrible beginning of all this that I wouldn't and yet...here goes. Back to the old Megs, I can do everything my fucking self without any lil fuckers help. It's slowly killing me. I feel like I've aged so much and I honestly don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

I used to say I never wanted to have kids. Would grow old as a crazy cat lady, and then this little miracle happened just to be viciously taken away from me. Fuck. I went to go get my final checkup done on Friday, I'm too scared to find out what the results are. I've just got that terrible feeling that my doctor's just going to tell me that I'm so fucked up that I'll never have kids. We'll adopt for sure if that's the case, but fuck. To feel all that I felt for those 17 weeks and go through life knowing I'll never feel that again is going to be torture.

Okay, I'm done now, no more of this shit. I have to go back to work tomorrow [I just had my weekend lol], that'll help a bit to distract me at least, pretty sure I've cleaned all I could clean at my place in the past couple days.

So yeah, pray that everything turns out okay with my checkup, hopefully we get in to go talk to some shrink soon and hopefully all this rage will die down and I don't end up killing somebody haha.

Best of wishes to you all out there, always thinking of you awesome guys. OMFG THERES A SPIDER ON MY WALL. OMG OMG OMG. EW!...and now my cats going after it...holy shit I'm going to scream. Yep... OKay...getting away from my computer. ahaha, nothing like ending this with a nervous laugh...








































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